What Not to Say
This morning, this blog link came across my Facebook, and I wanted to shout, "Amen!"
http://www.nittygrittylove.com/3-reasons-to-stop-asking-couples-when-theyll-have-babies/
My husband and I were married four years before we had our first child. Part of that was because we chose to wait, (Gasp! What? People do that?) but the other part of the equation was our struggle with infertility for an awful year before we were able to conceive. It was 2007-2008, and people didn't just come out and say, "We're having trouble getting pregnant." I know it wasn't that long ago, but you just didn't say it. So for the most part, I suffered in silence. Then we would see someone we knew, and it would go like this:
"So, when are you two going to have a baby?"
"Well, when the Lord blesses us in His time." (This was a rehearsed answer.)
"Does that mean you're trying?"
Really, people? Really?
That also lead me to think of some other awkward and borderline inappropriate things that people like to ask or say.
1. When are you going to have another baby? It never fails, I would be holding a newborn baby, swaddled up in his little receiving blanket, and some well-intentioned (I guess) person would pose this question. Why the rush? Let new moms enjoy the baby they have now instead of pressuring them to have another right away. It's just silly.
2. Are you planning on having a big family? Which translates to, "Gosh, when are you going to stop popping out kids?" The number of children I have may be undetermined, or end up being a surprise, but one thing I know is that it's up to me, my husband, and my God. That's it.
3. When are you due? Please be careful when you ask this question! You know what I'm talking about. Confirm 100% that the person in question is in fact expecting, because it's just too hurtful to "guess."
4. I didn't know you were pregnant. Okay, so this one seems harmless enough, but when you're 20 weeks+ and someone says it, your mind does crazy things. Like it assumes the other person just thought you had a gigantically fat belly.
5. Are you going to try for a girl/boy? As the mom of two boys, I get this question a lot. Let me tell you, I would love to get to experience the cute Mudpie clothes, the ruffles, and the bows. But if it's not in the cards for me, I will not complain. I love every minute of the sword fights, grass-stained jeans, and dino chicken nuggets. It is my world. Please don't act like it's not enough.
I guess what I'm saying is to please, please put yourself in the other person's shoes and have some sensitivity. I have caught myself saying, "When you guys have a baby..." to a newlywed couple, and then I would cringe and apologize for assuming anything. It's natural for us to connect the dots and say, "First comes love...then comes marriage..." We want to complete the equation. And once that baby is here, we start dreaming about brothers and sisters. But please, please, hold your tongue. You never know what that person is going through.
It may be infertility, which is painful enough. But it may be something as serious as pregnancy loss or infant loss. A lot of times, if it's early on, mom and dad just choose to bear their wound in silence. Please don't just assume they aren't trying because they're too into their career or they don't want children.
Yesterday, while picking up Malachi from his Mother's Day Out class, I heard one of his sweet little classmates say, "My baby sister is in heaven. I'm going to make her a teddy bear." My jaw dropped, and I looked around to see if anyone else had heard. We always think of the parents and what they experience when a child is lost, but we never think of the siblings. There is a lot of pain out there, and most of the time, the family is just trying to move on with their every day lives and bear the pain as best as they can. Please don't make it worse with careless questions.
Maybe I'm overly sensitive. Maybe I see things differently than other people do. But my own experience with infertility made me realize that what you see on the outside (hair fixed, makeup on, trendy outfit) may not be a reflection of what's going on in the mind of that person (fear, regret, jealously, and yes, not just a little bitterness). Choose your words wisely, and choose to uplift, rather than to force that person to retreat to their car for a good cry.
Thanks for listening...
- Sara Grace
http://www.nittygrittylove.com/3-reasons-to-stop-asking-couples-when-theyll-have-babies/
My husband and I were married four years before we had our first child. Part of that was because we chose to wait, (Gasp! What? People do that?) but the other part of the equation was our struggle with infertility for an awful year before we were able to conceive. It was 2007-2008, and people didn't just come out and say, "We're having trouble getting pregnant." I know it wasn't that long ago, but you just didn't say it. So for the most part, I suffered in silence. Then we would see someone we knew, and it would go like this:
"So, when are you two going to have a baby?"
"Well, when the Lord blesses us in His time." (This was a rehearsed answer.)
"Does that mean you're trying?"
Really, people? Really?
That also lead me to think of some other awkward and borderline inappropriate things that people like to ask or say.
1. When are you going to have another baby? It never fails, I would be holding a newborn baby, swaddled up in his little receiving blanket, and some well-intentioned (I guess) person would pose this question. Why the rush? Let new moms enjoy the baby they have now instead of pressuring them to have another right away. It's just silly.
2. Are you planning on having a big family? Which translates to, "Gosh, when are you going to stop popping out kids?" The number of children I have may be undetermined, or end up being a surprise, but one thing I know is that it's up to me, my husband, and my God. That's it.
3. When are you due? Please be careful when you ask this question! You know what I'm talking about. Confirm 100% that the person in question is in fact expecting, because it's just too hurtful to "guess."
4. I didn't know you were pregnant. Okay, so this one seems harmless enough, but when you're 20 weeks+ and someone says it, your mind does crazy things. Like it assumes the other person just thought you had a gigantically fat belly.
5. Are you going to try for a girl/boy? As the mom of two boys, I get this question a lot. Let me tell you, I would love to get to experience the cute Mudpie clothes, the ruffles, and the bows. But if it's not in the cards for me, I will not complain. I love every minute of the sword fights, grass-stained jeans, and dino chicken nuggets. It is my world. Please don't act like it's not enough.
I guess what I'm saying is to please, please put yourself in the other person's shoes and have some sensitivity. I have caught myself saying, "When you guys have a baby..." to a newlywed couple, and then I would cringe and apologize for assuming anything. It's natural for us to connect the dots and say, "First comes love...then comes marriage..." We want to complete the equation. And once that baby is here, we start dreaming about brothers and sisters. But please, please, hold your tongue. You never know what that person is going through.
It may be infertility, which is painful enough. But it may be something as serious as pregnancy loss or infant loss. A lot of times, if it's early on, mom and dad just choose to bear their wound in silence. Please don't just assume they aren't trying because they're too into their career or they don't want children.
Yesterday, while picking up Malachi from his Mother's Day Out class, I heard one of his sweet little classmates say, "My baby sister is in heaven. I'm going to make her a teddy bear." My jaw dropped, and I looked around to see if anyone else had heard. We always think of the parents and what they experience when a child is lost, but we never think of the siblings. There is a lot of pain out there, and most of the time, the family is just trying to move on with their every day lives and bear the pain as best as they can. Please don't make it worse with careless questions.
Maybe I'm overly sensitive. Maybe I see things differently than other people do. But my own experience with infertility made me realize that what you see on the outside (hair fixed, makeup on, trendy outfit) may not be a reflection of what's going on in the mind of that person (fear, regret, jealously, and yes, not just a little bitterness). Choose your words wisely, and choose to uplift, rather than to force that person to retreat to their car for a good cry.
Thanks for listening...
- Sara Grace
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